Chris Harrison arrives at the Bachelor Holding Pen to explain to the congress of manbaboons in clear, monosyllabic terms how the dates will be working this week: there will be two 1-on-1 dates, one group date, and roses are available on all of them. And with that, he delivers the first date card, and backs carefully out of the McMansion before the roargrunts and feces-flinging begins.
Maya Angelou reads the date card: “Brooks, I’m waiting for a sign, Princes Desiree,” and the room erupts in teeth-baring which might look like smiling to humans, but is actually an aggressive display.
At The Bachelorette pied-à-terre Princess Desiree draws pictures of ladies, and yammers about how she “couldn’t have asked for a better group of guys.” Oh, honey. Oh.
Princess Desiree heads to the Holding Pen in her suddenly baby blue Bentley, which what? I am almost positive this car was white the last time we saw it. Anyone? Am I imagining things? Is she going to drive a different Easter Egg-colored Bentley in each episode? Or was the rap video later in the episode so powerfully bad that it broke my brain when I watched last night? What is happening here?
ANYWAY. Princess Desiree arrives in her now baby blue Bentley and collects Brooks and ferrys him away to a bridal store where she forces him to watch her spin around in a bunch of different wedding dresses. What a fun time for everyone! What’s next, Princess Desiree? Meeting your parents? Apartment shopping? Touring delivery wards in hospitals? Brooks, being a good sport, tries on a series of wacky tuxedos — but tellingly always comes out with his bow tie dangling around his neck, untied, until he’s doing his talking heads at which point the bow tie appears to have been knotted into a lump by a blind child with some sort of degenerative muscular condition.
The pair, still dressed in a wedding dress and a tuxedo with THAT THING clumped around his neck, then get back into the baby blue Bentley and drive … somewhere, I wasn’t sure at the time it aired because my internet/cable connection has this adorable quirk in which the moment it is 85 degrees or hotter outside, it begins rebooting itself. As you can imagine, this makes my job as a TELEVISION BLOGGER a delight in the summer here in Houston. (“I was just trying to do you a favor! Did you see that bow tie?” — My Internet/Cable Connection)
So, according to the video on ABC’s site that I watched this morning, they went to a cupcake truck where they eat “wedding cake” and fend off over-eager tourists. Next up: tossing the garter to the audience of tourists, shopping 401K plans and looking into life insurance policies sitting on the Hollywood sign. In their wedding clothes. For some reason. When did we give up on the whole wedding theme? What does this have to do with anything? Brooks tries to explain why sitting on the L on the Hollywood sign means something more to Princess Desiree than it would say, to you or me, something about her passions, and following them and declaring herself on top of the world, but it doesn’t make a bit of sense, and maybe he needs to spend less time trying to appear deep and more time watching how to tie a bow tie videos on YouTube. Brooks tells Princess Des that his first real relationship ended a year and a half ago, and it makes him a little apprehensive about opening himself up to possibly be hurt again, but that he knows it is worth it. Princess Des declares this to be “just like” what she went through, but unless I somehow overlooked Brooks hanging out with Dallas Sean, Cal Naughton Jr. and Justin Wannabieber in St. Emily’s Manherd, I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
The Producers finally let them get out of the wedding dress and that RIDICULOUS TIE LUMP, and back into street clothes. Princess Des then drives Brooks into a “dangerous” part of town, and he bites his nails and clutches his pearls over the razor wire and graffiti (!!!!) in the neighborhood. Princess pretends to be lost and pulls up to a supposedly closed road that she suggests they go down anyway. Brooks is terrified, but agrees, and discovers that the road is actually Los Angeles’ 6th Ave. Bridge that The Producers have decorated with chandeliers and a dining table and I mean, seriously, Brooks. You have an ENTIRE CREW WITH YOU, CALM DOWN. Your only danger you face is that you might have to pull a suicidal Jack Shephard off the edge, start a drag race or suddenly flee from a T-1000 BECAUSE THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE SPOTS IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES, DUMMY.
So they sit down to dinner on the bridge, and Brooks asks her about her family and childhood, and she burbles on about how happily married her parents are, leaving out the whole “and we were homeless for a while and lived in tents and bytheway, my brother is a psychopath” part. In response, Brooks bursts into tears about his parents’ divorce and related daddy issues. Something about not seeing his father from the time he was 13 until he was 19, which might just explain the whole bow-tieing issue. And so Princess Desiree offers him a rose because what, she’s not going to give the crying guy a rose? And then they go down to the other end of the bridge where some guy named Andy Grammer is singing that one song about letting your hair down and keeping your head up and Brooks dances about as well as he ties bow ties and fortunately this whole silly date is over, the end.
Back at the house, the remaining men receive the group date card: “Handsome Dan, Juan Pablo, Hashtag D-Bag, Zack K., Urquelle (thanks, Dodes), Nick from New Girl, Drew Who is Not Brandon, Marionette Face, Family First, Nipples Jr., Maya Angelou, Michael G., 7-Years-Sober, and Prop Daddy: Who’s here for the right reasons? Princess Des.”
Princess Desiree meets this clown car load at some winery wearing what appears to be a purple sock with the toe cut out of it — seriously, Princes Des, does your brother know you are out in public in that? — and explains that they will be filming a rap video with Soulja Boy.
Just typing that sentence makes me want to go get into my car, drive to the store, buy another box of wine, begin drinking it in the checkout line, strap the box to one of those beer hats with the straws, drive home –all the while breaking the law and drinking the wine from my wine hat, do not doubt me for one second– and come home and put myself into a wine coma. I DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS. SOULJA BOY DOES NOT GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS. MOMMA NEEDS ALL OF THE CHEAP CAB. NOW.
And listen, I know why this is happening — The Producers have become self-aware in recent years, and they’re hoping that a bunch of white guys and Urquelle doing the cabbage patch while rapping off-rhythm about “being here for the right reasons” will become viral video gold.Click on their website www.ecived.com/en for more information.
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